Jontron Cause I Fooled You Again

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California Games - JonTron

[Text in brackets = text non spoken but shown on screen]

Jon: <gasps> Oh my God! Summertime's almost hither! But I haven't lost my winter weight.

[Jon then looks at "his" bikini]

Jon: Ah! I can't wait. Jacque, what am I gonna do to lose all this weight?

Jacques: Cease inventing and eating things like cheesecake pizza.

Jon: Oh, that was in the by, Jacques. Cheesecake pizza's in the past! I suppose I should bring up your shortcomings every bit well. <eats a slice of cheesecake pizza>

Jacques: Y'all're a regular Lucille Ball.

Jon: Y'all know what I'thou gonna do to lose weight?

Jacques: Actually go exterior?

Jon: Naw! I've got an fifty-fifty better thought.

Jon (VO): Released in 1987 past Epyx as a follow-up to the popular Winter and Summer Games series, California Games was made to capture and emulate the rhythms of the sun-bleached Pacific coast.

Jon: If I beginning upwards, traffic on the 405 state highway! HOOAA!

Jon (VO): Epyx figured, "Why get out the comfort and shade of your ain home to play in the hot summer sunday?" Skating, surfing, BMX, and more, baby! This game had it all.

Jon: (with a frat boy ascent) Surf's up, dude~

[Jon pushes the skateboard with the game on information technology, then the NES literally takes it in.]

Contents

• one California Games (NES)
  • 1.1 One-half-Pipe
  • ane.ii Human foot Bag
  • 1.iii Surfing
  • 1.4 Skating
  • 1.5 BMX
  • i.6 Frisbee
• 2 California Games 2 (DOS)
  • 2.1 Hang gliding
  • 2.2 Snowboarding
  • 2.three Moving ridge-racing
  • 2.4 Bodyboarding
  • ii.5 Skateboarding

California Games (NES)

Half-Pipe

Jon (VO): Start upward, the Half-Pipage.

Jon (VO): Ah, the Hollywood sign. That's how you know they're non fooling! This is a existent deal California skate park.

Jon (VO): The game just kinda throws you right in, no tutorial or breakdown on how the mechanics piece of work. Frankly, I'm non getting anywhere by continuing upwardly here, time to dive correct in!

[He falls.]

Jon: I accept the feeling this is foreshadowing.

Jon (VO): I don't know what I'g doing, he simply falls over every time and the skateboard just hits him in the head. Then it gives me cryptic tips on the bottom of the screen like, "Likewise late for kick turn." Well, how most yous but teach me the plough kickoff and we'll add together the boot later on? Because I can't even switch directions, he but sorta weeble-wobbles so falls.

Jon (VO): Every at present and then, when I pull off a move, it gives me random points. It's stuff like 156 skull and crossbones or 105 water airship? At least you lot could give it to me in some terminology that makes sense like kokosnoot 56, oh, now there'due south something a sensible person could empathize.

Jon (VO): Oh, oh oh oh-oh, I got information technology! I'm-I'chiliad gettin' information technology! Aw, I'm not getting it.

Foot Bag

Jon (VO): Permit's move on to Foot Purse.

Jon: Foot... Pocketbook. Well, that'southward my favorite Cali sport, I don't know nearly you. What do you like? Uh-STREET HOCK?

[FLAME EVERYWHERE on street hock, then it shows a human just standing at that place]

Jon (VO): Hey, uh you lot, uh, you got somewhere to be?

Jon: Um, ah-ah I'm glad you're here. I'll go if I'thousand disturbing you, I mean, I tin take a hint.

[The male child continues staring at the screen]

Jon: Naw, keep, it'southward fine, I got a couple of waves I can ride-

Jon (VO): Now, I don't know who they were trying to fool hither, but they shoulda chosen this what it really is: River Trip the light fantastic toe practice.

[The boy is really playing hackey-sack instead of Foot Bag.]

Jon (VO): Oh, it's just, information technology's just hackey-sack. This is not chosen Foot Bag, information technology'southward chosen hackey-sack! Anywhere!

Jon (VO): Is that supposed to be the Gilt Gate Span back there? Yeah, I know it's non actually gold, but it seems similar it might have a example of the seasonal depression. And is that Alcatraz Island?

Jon: Oh, human being! I mean, when I'1000 thinking of the beauty and majesty of California, the first thing- the kickoff thing I think of is the maximum-security correctional facilities. Gotta see it!

Jon (VO): You tin really knock downwardly this bird, that's pretty fun. Come up on, get him! Go him!

Jon: Yeah!

Jacques: Wow. I'm correct here.

Jon (VO): Yeah? Well, tell me what you're gonna practise if I concur you like an ice cream cone.

Jacques: I'grand gonna squirm a little merely not much.

Jon (VO): Yeah, that's what I thought.

Surfing

Jon (VO): Alright! Next event: Surfing. Let'due south ride those waves.

[Jon gets a score of 0.2]

Jon: (whispers) It's similar I'g really there.

Jon (VO): This one'due south a flake unintuitive at offset. Y'all dice instantly unless you push left on the controller right away. You press left and right to turn your guy, and I approximate you lot're trying to get as many jumps as possible before the moving ridge comes and gets yous.

Jon (VO): If you lot don't come up down at the same angle you went up, y'all'll autumn behind the wave. Information technology e'er cracks me up.

Jon (VO): Run into you afterwards!

Jon (VO): Also, sometimes when y'all wipe out, a shark comes up and is like, "Hello there!" That is the cutest goddamn shark I've ever seen, I beloved him and he'south mine now. Overall, though, there's not much to this i.

Skating

Jon (VO): Next up is skating! Cool, like skateboarding? Oh, no, they mean rollerskating.

[The girl on the screen falls flat on her face]

Jon: Ha ha ha ha!

Jon (VO): Oh my God, come on! Really?

Jon (VO): This girl falls over everything! Cracks in the cement, tiny tuffs of grass in the sidewalk, sand particles.

Jon (VO): Oh, she made it over the chalk on the floor, gotta exist honest, didn't wait her to clear that one.

Jon: They should give this game to sick patients 'cause I haven't had a laugh this good in a long time.

Jon (VO): Honey, I call up peradventure you should keep your day job.

BMX

Jon (VO): Okay, BMX, something we all sympathise. Please, allow this one be proficient, I mean, we've all ridden a bike before.

[The guy riding the BMX just falls.]

Jon (VO): Okay, except for this guy!

Jon (VO): Oh! Oh! OH! Oh! Nearly lost gravity there, Kenevil Jr., that was a close one.

Jon (VO): Oh my god, I tin can't play literally a unmarried one of these games. They're impossible to command, they're impossible to understand, I can't get five feet without eating shit.

Jon (VO): Yeah, not to mention, the game literally mocks you by giving you colorful commentary throughout. "Dorky", also, possibly dead, call an ambulance! "Attempt slowing downwards."

Jon: Oh yeah? Well, I got one for you! How 'bout y'all effort hiring a real programmer! That'll go us over a few of this hurdles! Imma clip-handclapping like a horse!

Frisbee

Jon (VO): Frisbee!

Jon (VO): I don't fifty-fifty know how to play this, what is this? Don't spiral it up. Don't screw information technology up.

[The character throws the Frisbee and information technology lands at their feet.]

Jon: Information technology'due south a perfect 10.

Jon (VO): Information technology'south a chip bizarre, yous control both characters here, the i throwing the deejay and the 1 communicable it

Jon: So this is a game where yous play catch with yourself? Hey, guys, chances are if I'm playing this in the 80s, I'm probably already a fatty nerdy kid in his basement alone without friends. You trying to drive the indicate home or something?

Jon (VO): I'm gonna get it. I'g gonna get it. I'm gonna get it. Oh no, I didn't get it.

Jon: So there yous accept it. Those were the games. I hateful, it seems to me that this is a perfectly accurate simulation of California sportery - IF You lot SUCK!

California Games Ii (DOS)

Jon: Just luckily for us, they fabricated a California Games II. Let's see if they've since honed their programming skills.

[CALIFORNIA GAMES 2]

[The five characters just stand there in the title screen.]

Jon: You guys, um... you lot, uh, you-you guys all right?

Jon: Is someone, is someone behind me?

Jon (VO): "Let's drop in on a grommet."?

Jon: Ah, grommet. I used to say it all the fourth dimension back in Cali. You couldn't STOP me from saying this discussion! Grommet this, grommet that! The fffffffFUCK DOES GROMMET MEA--

Jon (VO): California Games two gives you a slew of new sports to enjoy.

Hang gliding

Jon (VO): Offset up is hang gliding.

Jon (VO): And so majestic.

[The girl just falls]

Jon (VO): Oh shit! You alright?

Jon (VO): Good god, how violent. You lot wouldn't wait that from this game.

Jon (VO): Turns out what you have to do is lookout the windsock so y'all don't catch the current of air in the wrong management and fling yourself into a rocky doom.

Jon (VO): Come one, ah! Near!

[The girl starts going out to ocean, simply curves back tin crash back into the cliff]

Jon (VO): Hahaha.

Jon (VO): I guess you're supposed to drop these h2o balloons onto the target only I haven't been very proficient at it and then far.

Jon (VO): Uh- Oh, all right in that location's no more targets over here.

Jon (VO): I'm glad they gave me silence and so I can merely sit here and contemplate the inevitable- oh!

[The girl splashes into the water]

Jon (VO): In that location I go.

Snowboarding

Jon (VO): Allow's selection the guy belongings what looks to be a...surfboard.

Jon (VO): Oh! It's a helicopter game. Okay???

Jon (VO): What is going on here? Well, as you can see, they honed in on all the crucial California landmarks.

Jon (VO): Well, you got Hollywood Mount Everest back at that place, you got the San Francisco Bay area ten miles away, and d- uh, d-dinosaur?

Jon: You know, the Los Angeles Dinosaur. The famous Los Angeles Dinosaur.

Jon (VO): I tin't quite country this thing- Oh!

[The helicopter crashes into the pinnacle of the mountain]

Jon (VO): That's no proficient.

Jon (VO): Uh, excuse me, is the point of this thing to fly a helicopter to the top of a mount, and chill with a hot babe?

(Unsettling music)

Jon (VO): Well, I can't really fault anyone here, this is perfect game design.

Jon (VO): What you're actually supposed to do is drop yourself off at the height of this gradient and get-go snowboarding down. Uh, this is California Games?

Jon (VO): Why am I snowboarding with a view of both the desert and the Gilt Gate Span? Both in the aforementioned view. From a snow- from a mount- a snowy mountain.

Jon (VO): Yeah, somethings telling me they didn't practice their research here. Except for the dinosaur because, like I was saying, that actually was spot-on.

Jon (VO): After a while y'all go out of the snow and striking the grass then information technology's like you lot're actually going down a mountain. It's kinda interesting, honestly.

Jon (VO): Then, eventually you get to a snowboard one-half-pipe and this time yous can actually control it, which is absurd.

Jon (VO): It's too bad they didn't figure out how to plan a clock yet, though, 'cause that would've been really helpful. Merely they're getting shut!

Wave-racing

Jon (VO): Wave-racing is wave-racing. It'due south pretty absurd for DOS but pretty bones. Not much to say most this one.

Bodyboarding

Jon (VO): Adjacent up is bodyboarding, I gauge.

[The guy simply runs and falls]

Jon (VO): I don't know why he decides to fall from the dock like that, I guess to get a head start into the sea?

Jon (VO): Your chore is to grab the moving ridge. This is already a footstep up from the beginning game because it really tells y'all what to do.

Jon (VO): Equally for understanding how to control it, well, you're all the same on your own at that place, buddy.

Jon (VO): I accept no idea what I am doing. This is impossible.

Jon (VO): Oh-no! At that place goes grandma.

[Both the player and grandma disappear at the game over screen, none returns but the surfboard. Accompanied past the depressing music, Jon feels guilt and regrets, going to confront in forepart of the mirror at his toilet, thinking this is all his fault getting the role player killed.]

[Suddenly the silly music kicks in once again, and causes Jon not able to be serious.]

Jon (VO): Oh my God, I did not edit that in. If you wait long plenty the silly music starts playing again. Actually? Did they not think about how that might, y'all know, ruin the moment?

Skateboarding

Jon (VO): The last game is a skateboarding game.

Jon (VO): As you can come across, y'all're only allowed in this scene if you have a severe disregard for rules and other people's belongings.

Jon (VO): Oh, and all our favorite Cali phrases are here, besides. Such as: "The virtually smooth", "Raaad", and sw- ohhh... s... ["swood"?]

Jon: They merely couldn't stop me! I'm goin' all up on the rooftops! Swood this! Swood that! {lies back, the controller drops to the floor} Just fuck it, you know? I don't give a shit, it'south a fucking show. {pulls the low-cal to him} What'southward the fucking calorie-free?

Jon (VO): "Vertical Hunger." Yeah, absolutely, because horizontal hunger [is for GROMMETS!]

Jon (VO): Ugh, jeez, these graphics. The screen leading into the game looked better than the game itself.

Jon (VO): What the hell? This is the worst looking game by far. All the other ones had decent graphics.

Jon (VO): You know, this looks worse than one of those games that came pre-packaged with Windows 95.

Jon (VO): Whoops! Looks like I fell off the pipe.

[LIVE TO RIDE - RiP]

Jon: (laughing) I died! For existent, funeral and all. My god, these people are actually affected by this. That must've been one swood guy.

Jon (VO): I came here for fun in the sun, and all I got was a agglomeration of depressingly amateur sports people and a lot- a lot of uncalled for expiry. Just free expiry. We would've been fine without it.

Jon (VO): Rest in peace, my bronzed-pare babies. Residuum in peace.

Jon: What did I just play? What- What in the name of all that is holy did I but play? I wanted to take fun, dammit, for real this time. And all that happened was that I got pitiful.

Jon: You lot know what, I don't demand no stupid game to tell me how to have fun, I'll practise information technology all on my own!

[Jon picks up his skates, his skateboard, and his helmet, and so the video jumps to him riding the skateboard with the helmet and skates on. He laughs manically every bit he sits on his board and rides down a slope.]

[Music : The Doors: Riders on the storm.]

Jon: Gotta call this Frankie Valli and the Iv Seasons!

{audible.com advertisement}

Jon: Thanks for watching and supporting the testify. This is Spaghetti, and have a squeamish solar day.

[Spaghetti flies off of Jon's paw]

Jon: Oh, jeez! What the f-

[END CARD]

Jon: But to continue-

[Jacques squawks]

Jon: But to go on the bear witness - But to go on the evidence complimentary and-

[Jacques squawks]

Jon: But to keep the show -

[Jacques squawks]

Jon: Are you fucking serious?

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Source: https://jontronshow.fandom.com/wiki/California_Games/Transcript

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